The TotSpot

Button-pushers and the likes..

2006-09-19T01:09:00.000+08:00

Once again it's on.. Why do we call certain people as friends? I mean the kinds that will only call you when they need something or someone to talk to? Things like borrowing money and stuff. Or if they got issues they needed to waste other people's time with. Other than that, don't bother trying to find them as they can disappear better than Osama.. Whatever happened to calling or meeting up friends just for the sake of hanging out with each other and have fun? And worse, these so-called friends, when asked to return the money or stuffs back, don't bother to do so. It's already bad enough that i have to ask for them back, but not wanting to return them? That warrants a beating of some kind from me. Had the audacity to ask for more favours when they damn well know the prior has yet to be settled. Seriously. Had enough of these so-fucking-called friends. This is a form of disrespect i, will no longer tolerate. Time for some affirmative actions..

I rather be friendless if they all treat me like this. People who are too busy with their lives to even return simple text replies or miss calls. That goes for one who recently appeared on an obviously rigged, current singing competition. Too fucking busy or what? Can anyone please just tell me face to face, if i had done anything wrong towards them? Don't be afraid as i am still capable of being out right reasonable. Libras do value reason.. I may be volatile as of late but that don't mean i only respond to violence.. Misunderstandings can certainly be solved by sitting down and discussing them civilly no doubt. Most of the times, that is the best way. And with that in mind, am i not deserving enough for it? Why do they insist on keeping the ball on their side of the court and not meet half way, in between? Is comfort or convenience the only thing that matters to them? If this is so, i will do my upmost to bring discomfort to their lives til things are resolved. Then they can take the term friend, and slide it in their fucking asses as comfortably as they want. I don't need this type of 'friends' messing up my already laundry-day starving life. I know you, who's reading this, don't need it too. Am i right? Time to cut a few loose..

Broken Down Clown..

2006-09-09T22:46:00.000+08:00

Losin it.. Undeniably and certainly. What was thought be be a straight, direct path now appears to be so twisted and winding added with hazards scattered all around. Control is nowhere in sight. Discipline, too far out of reach. Anger, extremely accessable and works too well with a hair-trigger. Steadily sucking lifeforces around me and turning the hosts cold as a result. Thought i could stop or even prevent this from happening but it seemed, my soul is too much entangled in the strings to be free in doing what i have to.. I think i'm near to the brink of nothingness. Even writing all this down don't do justice to feeling what's inside here. I don't even know how to reach to Him anymore. For all i know the door is closed after years of blatant disrespect and neglect. My prelude to endless punishments? Inside out to outside in..

2006-08-21T22:13:00.000+08:00

My anger, rage, fury, whatever it is keeps growing on stronger.. And i'm almost willing to just sit back and let it take over the show. Maybe i should just fucking die.. rather than let it hurt the people i hold dear to me.. It fucking hurts me too much sometimes.. especially if i keep it all locked inside for too long. It felt good screaming my head off at the fellow, the other time at the train station. Felt even better 'UFC'ing him there as well. Where can i go to, to rip off a head? A fucking monster, yes i know..

This fucking injury, this fucking course, this bloody, fucking self.. I hate me... i hate you for not stopping me to hate me... i hate all the wrongs in this fucking world to even care about what they say should be right anymore.. i hate this fucking life... i fucking hate existence... yes, maybe i should indeed.........................................

Major steerressss kickin in..

2006-08-12T16:07:00.000+08:00

A friend just told me he passed his exams. His course was prior to mine and i'm gonna take them on next week. Truly happy for him. He was actually sure that he won't make it and already planned to retake the papers after mine. Nevertheless, he survived. And thanks to him i got vital tips on what topics to focus on. Many did not get through this and i'm waltzing in a distantly familiar exam-stress mode. Shit.. So many things trying to steer my focus off this thing, but mainly in my head. Everest got so many siblings in here.. Pray for me if you reading this and are actually concerned ok? My life is in the air like a trapeze act. God willing, i really wanna get through this.. Breathe in.... breathe out... ok then, let's do this thing..

Sometimes..(edited)

2006-08-08T15:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i find myself in a dark, farking place.. Unable to see, hear or reach anyone. Nothing makes sense when i'm there. Everything is redundant and useless from where i stand, when i'm there. All these humans, running around like it all farking matters. Why? What the fark for? Beginning to see all this farce behind the system they dutifully uphold and comply to each and every single farking day. Sometimes i would guiltlessly fantasize about the big E befalling upon this damn planet. How would all these humans react to that? All the precious belongings, attachments, prized possessions, status or titles, their glorified fame, families, friends or loved ones. All disintegrating in front of them. What would i do then? Run around like a farking lunatic, screaming out,'The end is here!! About damn time!!!' and then spit on each and every single one of their farking faces.. Sometimes nothing really matters to me. Nothing.. Sooner this planet turns to dust, the farking better it will be. Sometimes i feel that's the best for everyone. Then all these noises and madness will stop and there will be peace and tranquility. When will that be? Is that why i fiercely guard my solitude? Where none of these fracas ever happen there.

Never really been a part of this system all the people aligned themselves to. Even when they thought i was but i never am. From the way i see it, the system is controlling them. Now they can't exist without it. Humans who chose to embark on senseless, destructive actions, hiding behind their religion as if it's the true will. Those who succumbed to their so-called power and chose to abuse it to make their lives easier. Wealthier and greedier. Manupilating the helpless and weak for self gains. And those who chose to not connect, will be forced to live in the cracks. Overlooked, denied, forgotten, oppressed, subjugated... Won't be something, will be nothing.. Savy? Fark it all..

In due time..

2006-08-08T03:21:00.000+08:00

With thoughts kicking via the speed of light,
heart's beating it's way to the outside,
dreams slowly solidifying to a touch,
esteem steaming its velocity at a clutch,
my shadow taking definite shape,
on the dusty coat of a window's drape,
together with the ashes made by the fire,
that once reached olympian heights by desire,
unpenetrable unlike anything known,
hunger for any & every opportunity shown,
let this bird soar with the wings of a phoenix,
scorching across time and space with creativity prolific,
was on the outside looking in, without a doubt,
but now on the outside, kicking in to throw out the doubt,
suspended animation no more, i'm rewired,
through what i deciphered, to say the least, i'm inspired,
like how they say dig deep, so i dug deeper in it,
til i found myself getting lost for a minute,
trapped in the ground like Beatrix Kiddo,
struggling to release myself but hard as it seemed so,
air grew thin by the second but i ain't done in yet,
as if there's room for me to go running scared,
that's it, pulled myself back to one and strategised,
reached to a focal point as intensity materialised,
know that i'll be there as hoped so, for so long,
appreciate it if you won't just wait for things to go wrong,
instead, be by my side, n watch the flow grow strong,
mistakes ain't nothing but fuel for the wise journeyman,
learn & apply the formulas with sure & sturdy hand,
stop sinking in the burning sands,
break out of it, why don't we, why won't we?
why won't we?, try only,
still i won't be, in line to die lonely,
as i venture on out to earn my trophy,
down the line, so let's part not til death,
the bond strengthen is definite prospect in wealth,
leave your trust in me, pure like the word itself,
everythin will turn out right, like it should have left,
Insyallah, in due time...

Damn.. It finally happened..

2006-07-27T01:44:00.000+08:00

I thought about this before when i was in the train many times over. Especially when it involves one of my said peeves in a recent update. Commuters who block the door and obstructing those who are alighting. ESPECIALLY during the rush hours. Don't these assholes know basic, straight laced, universal decency of letting the alighting passengers out first? Do they even have common sense?? I know by the end of the day, work tends to take those legs away but this is just farking mind-receding. Don't even have to be courteous and shit. Just wait til the last person step off the damn, friggin train before your tired, oh-so-pitiful legs wanna scamper for seats. Savy?

Now apparently yours truly just can't take anymore of those shenanigans as things came to a head, one busy evening. I gave the door hogs a taste of my usual treatment by bowling through them like a NFL pro. As this was in effect, one of those hogs did'nt like it very much and proceeded to handle it like a man by pushing me from behind. Now if you, kind readers, were there to witness this, you could almost picture a feeble, old hand smeared with fresh blood, reaching out to one insanely starving ass grizzly just awakened from years of extended hibernation. Not in a proud way, but needless to say, he got quite a mauling. Did'nt like it one bit but... i knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. Dude, tried to change field and 'rationalised' but all he got back in return was the loudest roaring ever heard in his farking face, coming from myself. Was screaming about what the kadoozles are the yellow lines on the floor by the train door for. And i made pretty damn sure i let the others hear me as well. After all the yellings, the guy still wanna reason and justify his actions though they don't really make much sense. One of the reasons was also racially inappropriate too. I guess i felt that i overact a tad too much that by the time my train arrived, i grabbed his hand, shook it and apologised for my aggression. Dude said sorry too and we parted ways.

Took me a few days before i ride train again after that. See what little actions can accumulate to?

What was that all about?

2006-07-25T03:22:00.000+08:00

Was busy at the pc one early morning, at about 2 plus, when i heard a racket in the kitchen. Everyone's asleep by then so i know it could'nt be any of them. Went to the kitchen to investigate and found the errr, rice scooper that was by the rice cooker was flung a few meters away, near the bathroom. Hmmm... Was somebody hungry and angry after finding out that i had just finished the rice? Heh.. Tough luck, bub. Suck a spoon..

Faith Of The Heart (Rod Stewart)

2006-07-04T16:04:00.000+08:00

It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothings in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna hold me down

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

I've known a wind so cold and seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel are only winds of change
I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain
But I'll be fine

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

Faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
That no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

Its been a long road

Over the age..

2006-06-26T02:11:00.000+08:00

Whatever i'm saying here has no bearing on anyone else's opinions or perspective but mine solely. Shit, of course it is. Well.. It's just a self banter on why the hounding heck i don't do what most of those close to my age are doing at this time of our feverish lives. Yeah, THAT saturday night fever. Or thursday. Or friday. Or any damn day for anyone to hit the clubs. Why am i supposely cured of this? Not even a single strand of urge in me. None! More like a sudden rash of irritable dread cropping up whenever close friends or even Mal suggested of going there. Shit, i've been such an avid clubber back in the day. Waaaaay back.. Probably hitting spots 2, 3 times a week at least. This was like in school, man. Had no qualms about checking out the latest clubs that opened or hopped til the nights out. And throughout all this, i had never even smoked or drink once! Til now, some of my ex-clubbing buddies would still find that weird if we hang out. Weird?! What's so farking weird about having my own preference to not fill myself up with alcohol in my system or tobacco in my lungs?? My religion forbids me to consume any form of alcoholic beverages and that's probably my main reason. I still have to keep telling people why i don't drink. To certain people who knows me, the question, 'Even though you don't drink, you still commit other sins, so why bother in the 1st place?', persists. Even if so, and it's definitely true that i committed other sins and still unfortunately do, why would i commit this one sin which i very much am capable of avoiding? Leave that to me and mine, please..

I am now no longer finding any appeal to get in or even be in close proximity to this kind of places. Be it from a psychologically scarred standpoint, to a totally detached outlook of yesteryears' interest. No longer. Okay i shall say it now. I hate it. Every single aspect of it. The only time i would be seen in any one of them, is probably because if my life or anyone else's that mattered depends on it, or if any of my favourite music artiste came to perform in it. That's. All. Why would i be in it? I don't drink, i don't really like most of the songs they have in there, hate to see those drunks or people who can't hold their liquor, cringed at who or what they pretend to be in there, the fights, the smoke and basically the atmosphere. I do dance, by the way. Believe me i can. Still, that's just it. I just don't have it in me to associate myself with these kind of places anymore. True i would go if my friends or Mal whole-heartedly dragged me there, but it won't mask the fact that i can never be comfortable in those environment. It's gone now. I guess i'm over the age or something. I feel torn that my baby still has the fever for it. Would even break out in arguments about it sometimes. But i love her no less for that. It's just too huge of a panadol in me to purge and gain that fever back. Never it seems. Or maybe not now.. but when....?

Here it is genie... whereever u are..

2006-06-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

Ok so it reads out like this. My own personal wishlist made public. I know.. like anyone cares right? Well i hope at least SOMEONE does. Heh.. Alrightey then, here it goes..

A Deadpool 12" statue (designed by Bowen).
A laptop.
A Star Wars FX lightsaber(Mace Windu's).
That one pair of sneaks from Nike i saw at Queensway Shopping Center.
PS3!!!!!!!!
My own videocam.
My dream job.(hopefully somewhere around this year)
The Blade sword. (like the 1 in the 'Blade' movie)
My long sought after 1st set of samurai swords.(Katana, Wakizashi, and Tanto)
Trips to Tioman, Pulau Redang, Bali, Phuket, Dubai..
My own place.(Not that i don't like the current one..)

Normally, it ain't my thang..

2006-06-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

Check this out here. My friend made it this far on Singapore Idol and her friends will wanna see her get further still. We love you, girl and keep on, keeping on! Vote for her people. Singaporeans particularly. Heh.. Peace..

A world we live in..

2006-06-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

~This world is full of grass.. and hidden in the grass, are the... oh well..~

It's really a beautiful world we live in, ain't it? Place where everyone just live their own lives peacefully and free of care for everyone else. Place where you could just worry about your own damn comfort and piss in the wind. Why bother about where it's gonna land or who's gonna involuntarily get a whif, or even God forbid, a taste of it. Hey, as long as it don't effect you, it don't matter, right? We all are creatures of comfort, yep that's true but when it gets a little too uncomfortable for everyone else.. then that's another thing. I for one am not gonna turn away and pretend it don't bother me. What is that i'm talking about? I am saying, things that ranges from a minor irk to a glaring ass-pain. Things like cutting queues, leaning on railings that are meant for people to hold on to, sitting on the outer side of the seat in a crowded bus, blocking the views of people at the bus-stop, passengers rushing to aboard and blocking the way for alighting ones at the MRT, standing while chatting in the middle of a busy walk-way, etc. I know many would'nt even think about it, but hell, i do. And i have been administering my own brand of street justice, if i may call it that. I don't give a damn if they're huge, muscular, 'tattooed', old, young, cute, butt-ugly or handicapped, i'll still drop a nuke on'em. You don't live in this damn world alone and there are still sensible rules that applies everywhere. Even the unseen ones. So i would like to give a huge finger to those selfish, irresponsible, self-centered, foot-to-ass deserving patrons of this over-infested globe. Wait for it... wait for it....... Ok now picture this! My finggie to your face, bub. Peace..

Clockin in somethin..

2006-05-08T16:07:00.000+08:00

I just seemed to be lost in a weird place lately.. Dunno where to start really but i guess i begin somewhere. My course was done few weeks ago and i managed to ace it. Cool.. Now on to the next one coming up pretty soon. I went for the job interview that my course administrator recommended earlier. The place was smaller than California Fitness but i must say that their equipments are state of the art and included an impressive arrays of selections. They held a career-talk inside a rather crammed office. Can't see anything but a voice welcoming us and as well as the back of this massive gorilla-like dude stand way too close for my comfort. The talk went on for a good half hour on how advanced everything is over there, how their reputation is untouched and well above the other established gyms, how high is the standard of service they exhibit and on and on.. Basically, that place is the only place for fitness enthusiasts who would wanna work in the line, should go for. I was ready as hell after that and when they say that there's a few immediate openings, i was off the starting line. I approached this guy called Tommy who conducted the talk, to request for an interview for the job. As i went up to him, he was just about done talking to someone and i was ready with what i set out to do. All of a sudden two dudes also joined in and sure enough had the same intentions as me. Tommy knew that i was there 1st but still proceeded with attending to the other two seperately before me. He then handed out the job application forms to them. They then promptly left. He still had one more in his hands but said he needed it to print out more copies. When i got a chance to talk to him, he said that the immediate opening was for a different position and the one i wanted was only available in August. Now i was just told by his partner that it was the exact position i was aiming for. He also did not bring out the forms he was suppose to print out more. Told me to just send a resume online and he will take a look at it later on if he's not too busy.. Patted my shoulder and said to 'keep the fire burning'.. Was so eager to join this company and after all that shit, i just don't feel like it anymore. Gonna check out other 'lower standard' gyms and see if they will look past the skin and feel the passion i have in this line. Whatever then..

Firasat (Marcell)

2006-04-12T13:28:00.000+08:00

Kelmarin, kulihat awan membentuk wajahmu,
desau angin meniupkan namamu,
tubuhku terpaku semalam,
bulan sabit melengkungkan senyummu,
tabur bintang serupa kilau auramu,
aku pun sadari, ku segera berlari,

cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,

akhirnya bagai sungai yang mendamba samudera,
ku tahu pasti kemanakan ku bermuara,
semoga ada waktu, sayangku,
ku percaya alam pun berbahasa,
ada makna di balik semua pertanda,
firasat ini, rasa rindukah atau kah tanda bahaya,
aku tak peduli, ku terus berlari,

cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,

dan lihatlah sayang
hujan turun membasahi,
seolah ku berair mata,

cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,
firasatku ingin kau 'tuk cepat pulang,
cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi,

aku pun sadari,
engkaulah firasat hati..

Deep cut..

2006-04-12T12:53:00.000+08:00

In pain right now. I think it's rupture. Hurts like hell in it's hottest summer. A simple action could cause a world of over-bearing pain. Usually it numbs out after awhile but this time it's nagging on and on. No matter what i do. Could almost see myself keel and slip into oblivion. At that last moment before i totally lost it all, reached in and pulled out with what i could muster. Whoever i pulled out of that dark, empty space, even if it's a different one, i'm still gonna patch it back to me. Have a destination to reach and i will be there. One way or another. Alone or otherwise. For now, let me heal just enough for the journey ahead. Hurts like a bitch. Or a bastard. Fark it, both then. All i know now is that the cut is deep. That old wound still wanna have a go at time. Go right on ahead. If you win, then at least you and some know that i lived. I existed even if for awhile here. Remember me if you want to. Or forget me if you need to. When you win. Just know that i lived..

Phew..

2006-04-04T17:53:00.000+08:00

Really felt more than what the title says, actually. Like one heck of a mountain taken off me and the feeling of tremendous relief sets in welcomingly. Since even before the class started, i was told it was gonna be a tough one to sit through and being there yesterday, looking at quite a large number of people retaking the papers, i was'nt feeling too preppy about it. On top of it all, the lecture room where we were suppose to do the exam in, was like a freezer of sorts. From what i know, brain activity don't really function that well in extreme, antartic-like conditions. Well actually, the management had informed us to wear warm clothes there, but i got the info a bit too late as i was already on the way. Should have at least told us a day before or something but i guess they were all too busy counting the money from the exorbitant fees they charged us. Anyway, after the super uber stress-filling, hair-pulling, mind-bashing, blood-out-the-nose-dripping weeks of studying, that time finally came, yesterday.

My class-mate whom i went there with, Fir, got me all caught up in code-red, panic mode when he launched last-minute quizzes at yours truly. I was unable to get all of his questions right and that made me think if i had focused on the right chapters. Reached out my notes in a final attempt to recap and hopefully help me enough. Was prepared for the worst as we reached there. Few others were waiting outside the exam room and none of them were without eyes on notes or books. Everyone, deep in desperate concentration. I knew how it was like to be unprepared and wasting away time as you sit there, staring blankly at the papers without an earthly clue to what you should fill the empty lines or brackets of the questions that you could read but ultimately not comprehend or piece together. No more of those. Can't afford it.

As i sat there waiting for time to be wasted away again, or so i thought, i saw the faces of those i cannot bare to see if i should fail this paper. The disappointments, even if masked so carefully behind words like, 'It's ok, you did your best. Can always try again. Or, maybe you could try other things? We still love you no less..' Had to shut my eyes for a bit to erase all those thoughts and gathered what little pieces of focus i could find. Flipped through the answer sheets as they were handed to us. Ok so they were empty. Dunno why i bothered. Heh.. Soon as we got the question papers, the examiner told us to check the time and then begin. For some mystically out-of-this-world reasons, i found myself filling up the answer sheets, one after another without much problems. Kept going til the last one and though i got stuck in a few of them, i managed to finish it, miraculously without that all too familiar sense of impending doom in my cardio-vascular system. In other words, i could breathe, like when the first man on this earth did at that momentous time! Missed that feeling of confidence. Of course i won't let myself go further than that but still, this time i know i could do it. Like i said i would. We shall see in 2 weeks time, when i get my results shall we? Peace..

This, is nuts..

2006-03-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

Fever, headaches, diarrhea, chest-pains, stomach-pains, incessant coughings.. Anybody had all that in one sitting? It's the best feeling ever i tell you.. Makes you just wanna forget everything and tell Him to please welcome you with open arms. Just been through that and i kid you not as it's one of the worst experience ever. Previously i wrote about me being sick. Got better. And then sick again like a mo'fo. Can't even concentrate on my studies or training. Only the thought of my baby kept me going. Still, i have not really been in my best moods for these few weeks. Tempers flair like crazy and flipped out at the slightest provocations. Psychotic at worst. I'm really sorry baby. As well as those who caught the stingers from me. Keep having bad dreams as well. And almost always waking up, drenched in sweat. All i can say now is...

Thank Goodness for Self Control

2006-03-13T16:26:00.000+08:00

To that farkin drunk ass idiot, you were fortunate. You have to thank your lucky stars for doing what you did and got off unscathed. From me.. Your life may have been one miserable wreck, with rain clouds permanently attached above you all this while, but last night the farkin stars in the whole universe came out and specifically formed a cosmic alignment just to shine for you. The care bears as well.

Just got me in the bus en route to home after sending Mal back. Sat on the second last row, behind this Indian guy whom i assumed was sleeping as he got his face facing downwards. All was fine until about halfway through the journey when i started to smell something creeping up my nose. At first i thought it was food but as it got stronger, i began to doubt it. Next, i thought it was alcohol as though i don't drink, i'm quite familiar with the stench. Oops, i meant smell. Anyway by then i had already settled for the fact that it came from behind me and there was nobody else but the guy there. Those in front kept turning behind and looked at me with the look of not love but "doode, what the hell?!" on their nice faces. Naturally i gave them the look of again, not love but "it's not me you farks, but behind me.. and anally insert something big and unpleasant forcefully in yourselves!". I was still sick. The smell kept getting stronger and unbearable til i had to turn around and looked at the guy. He looked at me and instantly turned elsewhere as if something was up. Then, i felt some moisture on the floor and took a quick glance. it was liquid, flowing from where the guy sat, making it's way to the front of the bus. My initial thought of it was beer as it was what i smelled coming from the doode, but as i looked at the reflection on the glass panel, he was'nt carrying anything on him. Then it struck me as the bus was reaching my stop. Fark. Practically jumped up off my seat and desperately tryin to rub my Jordans with the floor of the bus. The fucking asshole pissed in the damn bus! Other than the floor, the friggin piss touched my Jordans! My damn Jordan 11 that took me i dunno how many years to acquire! I just stood there staring at the fool like a full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night with a drunk ass, piss-happy little lamb in my shadow. For whatever reason, he was just left there, as was previously said, unscathed, by a then psychopathic, almost murderous, full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. Maybe it's because of the sheer audacity of it all. Or maybe it was my stop and i hate to miss that. Maybe it was already well past midnight and i'm coughing like a sick, full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. I think it was all of the above. Alighted the bus but not without me making my way to the side of it and stood the closest i can to that Jordans pissing farker. Did not even dare to look up as i was snarling and vapours were forming at the glass panel where he was.

Darted back to my place and washed the shoes right away like a full blown, sneaker-headed, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. All i was thinking about then was guy's a lucky bastard. At least for that moment.. Off to class now. Cheerios..

Good times, good fight and sweet dreams..

2006-03-11T05:41:00.000+08:00

It will always be in my life. Never once gotten by the day without it. Even if so, it will not be natural. My air. Or part of it at least. Plays quite a significant role in my emotional state. Mind food/fuel. Vital in whatever situations. Had this school group bowling competition years back. My buddies were known in the school circuit as premier bowlers then. Me, i'm just a world champ in my own head. Heh.. One after another, they striked out whatever pins standing in their lanes. Pure skill and confidence. I had quite an ok early rounds to follow after as well. Just somewhere down the line i lost my concentration and my form suffered. We were neck and neck with this other school team towards the final few rounds. Everyone else were still at the top of their game and that's where i knew i had to buck up and step the fuck up. Took out my discman(R.I.P) and proceeded to 'fuel up'. Basically, listening to music helped to ease me down from all the final-game anxieties and refocus my ass to the task. Came back strong on the rebound and never looked back. All the way til we got that championship trophy in our hands. Never forget how it felt. Never will.

It was everything to me back then. Way before school even. Wondered to myself sometimes, why i never really learn to play any instruments being so. Maybe it's just meant for me to sit from a respectable distance and love it with all my heart and soul. Was i too in love with it back then to even realise that? Given all the circumstances that took shape from my hard-headedness in believing, i could do it? All the persistence, the fight-for-the-right-to-recite-my-artful plight, the freedom to paint pictures using the mic as a brush...ah.. the mic.. The 'Stargate' to my world within. A world that i once readily would share with any and every interested soul that ventures close. A photographer at that, with endless pieces of notes and papers as pictures to string together in melodicious mini albums. Also a world that almost completely sealed me off from everything else. Did'nt see the need to escape from it then. Why should i? It Is My World... It got lonely though. Extremely.

There were others sharing the same love. They walked with me and we stood our ground against whatever that tried to break us down. This is, of course, not to say that there were no casualties. One by one, in time, lowered their heads and bowed out from the cause. From the belief. The stand. I hung on still along with what's left of the others, refusing to accept the fact that we desperately needed a miracle even if just by a feeble folicle from it. Still, throughout the struggle, casualties kept on growing and no sight of a breakthrough just yet. As for my group, i'd like to see it as that we travelled towards the same eventful path, together in a bus BUT, we sat at different seats, facing different positions throughout that journey.. Sometime during then, i found out that i had been bleeding, steadily. The very blood that holds all the dreams, ambitions, drive, will and that one vital component. Hope. Shot from all angles, intended or strays, around me and i was still too busy fighting for the cause to even notice or feel it. Now the seemingly endless flow of blood out of me is ending pretty soon. Or has it stopped already? Without even moving, i have receded into the shadows. Without tears, i joined the fallen who long accepted their place. Still, why don't i feel like one of them? Why do i feel as if it is not my time yet? I passed over and yet i don't feel belonged in the fallen lands. All this, knowing the fact that it is no longer my world over there. Fifteen minutes last forever and beyond but it was ultimately no longer mine. That world floats in the milky ways of memories now. How sweet it was..

Man this sucks loike totally...

2006-03-09T03:07:00.000+08:00

Have got meself the fever. Not saturday night fever or jungle fever or anything else but the real deal, OG'd up one. It crept up and caught me off guard as i was fetching Mal from work. I mean it was like waiting for the right time to pounce on me or something as earlier in the day, was feeling fine and dandy. Even got in the gym to work out and all. I guess it was waiting for my body imune system to be at it's lowest and i'll be susceptable to all kinds of infections and deseases. Was bearly able to walk after that. Lucky for me Mal was there. Went to have a rather late dinner at Subways and my baby had to practically force-feed me as my sudden lost of appetite kicked in. My head was feeling kind of heavy but at the same time, light. Dunno if that makes any sense to any of you, still, that's the closest i can describe it.

On top of that, lost my voice soon after. For that to happen to the likes of any chatter-bug, it would be a curse straight from the ninth gates of hell. Luckily i'm not one of such. Though it's damn hard to communicate with my baby under such circumstance. Even Mum was snickering away when she heard whatever noise that came out from my mouth as i struggled to find my voice. Evil. So for the whole day i was a temp-mute. Downed a whole bottle of cough syrup by night time. Was better the next day but the freakin cough still persist. I mean i could yelp a word or four but not without a string of coughings that followed. Still have not totally recover my sweet angelic voice yet but still, it's better than none. Raspy like a mo'fo.. So i guess that's it for now. Be back sooner than soon.

P.S, don't ever work out when you know you're sick. It's a hugomongo no-no.. And no i'm not saying that i did. Believe me. Really. I did not. You got no evident. Ok whatever then. Adios.

Gettin It 2gether... again..

2006-03-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

It was suppose to be a straight forward, full-to-the-brim proof plan. Guess it ain't much of a walk in the park as this bug-brained fool had thought out to be. What went wrong? Or is going wrong here? Why can i just pick it up and run with it as it was meticulously laid out or so i presumed? What. The. Phark?! It's like everything within me going all out to stop, ummm myself from doing what uhhh, i really want.. Shit man. This fight is really taking much of this vestigial being. I hate me when it's like this. Conflicted. Helpless even? Should i even let ignorance slip it away further from me, blissfully? Time? My blissful, fucking opium..

Going for my course today in a minute but i feel half of myself right now. Yeah i know.. Me, me, me... And more me's.. Somebody please find something to somewhat wake this doode up from all the sugar infested reveries. A reality chin-checking of sorts perhaps? Sighings.... Here i go again.. I'm off now. Hope the strings won't break on my way up. Pray with me? Yes i know.. So, will you? I'll appreciate it if you do..

Leaving Neverland..

2006-02-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... I. Miss. My. Baby!!! Ok so it's only like 14 hours since I saw her as she set off to K.L with her dad and Aunt for 3 days. Pathetic I am huh? Still.. Exsqueeze me but I love her to bits, man. Can't really be there with her as my course is starting while the trip is still in effect. Damn.. Oh well, I'll be here, short of being a certified nutcase, waiting since that's the only choice. Unless I make my way there and proceed to track her for these 2 days and do a 'Flash' back here just in time to go for my course.. Hmmm.. What do you think? Not only that, Mal will have to jump in straight into the working life the next day after her return, which I'm definitely mighty proud of her, of course. Should have seen the look on her face when she came out from the interview. Saw the brightest smile from her, ever. And the monster hug she gave me next. Girl almost broke my back. Heh.. So that leaves us with zilch time to spend a day together now other than off days or holidays. As hard as it is for us to go through this, it is something we have to do. Yes, I'm letting go of my secretly beloved Neverland. I'll visit it every once and awhile though. With Mal as well. Have yet to know where we'll go to 1st, my love. Still, i know you'll be there with me no matter whereever right? Ok baby.. Hold on tight now. Off we go purty soon. Tip the hat, have a bow and bid farewell then. Au revoir..

It's all comin back..

2006-02-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

These few weeks, something has gotten over me.. Was kinda slightly embarrass to admit it, even though it's innocuous. Still.. Kinda brought me back to the yester-years and kept me wondering if everyone sees it as a cry for help in me. Heh..

Thought that all this, is just in the past and only be looked upon as mere memories. Quite recently, i've been occupying myself and time with comics and figurines. Not just any comics but one from the vast, infinite world of Marvel comics. Even got Mal into it as well though she's more into Rouge and Silver Surfer. Know it sounds a little too adolescent-like of me due to my age and all, but, who the fuck cares? I don't.. Do you? You do? Well, shuddup your opinions and read on, readers. Please? Comics and figurines are definitely lucrative businesses internationally. Not to sound defensive or something but many more adults are into comics all around the world than kids. Or are they equal in numbers? Anyway, all kinds of folks. Doctors, managers, lawyers, presidents, royalties, average peeps, gangsters, thieves, drug-dealers/addicts, prostitutes, murderers, psychos, assassins, terrorists.. but enough about them. The thing is, i don't really keep track with a lot of them. Just one particular character from Marvel Comics.

For me, i'm into this one character called Deadpool. Dunno why and don't ask. I find him rather interesting and most definitely funny as hell. Only one guy in the comic-world i know that actually keeps track of current events diligently, be it entertainment, social, politics and the likes. Check out a 'short' outlook on this guy.. Deadpool. Recently managed to snag a DP, Marvel Legends figurine at this one obscure little shop somewhere in town. Was freakin estatic as i stumbled upon it there. God knows how long and how badly i've been waitng to have it in my possession. The thing is, after about a week of having it in my arms, i kinda caved soon afterwards. I did something that most if not all avid and serious collectors will freak out at. I opened the package to take my beloved 'pool' out! ..gasp!.. the horrors!.. heh.. Despite all the advices, warnings and even threats from Mal, i went on to 'free' and add it to my proud yet humble collections at the top of the entertainment cupboard in my room. Hey, i ain't exactly gonna sell it off anyway. And this little collection of mine might just expand further down the line so we'll see.. Til the next time happy readers, ciao..

Gettin back on track..

2006-02-14T02:15:00.000+08:00

Man, this is one hell of a comeback to commence to. Right from the start, it was tough. My mind had to ready itself to let the body resume training. It's been months and i so hate to admit that i had put off training time and again. My course is starting soon and i just don't feel spiffy enough for it. Heh.. spiffy.. Where that come from? Anyways, it's no use for me to keep on pondering or contemplating without doing anything to ref it up a notch. Went to the gym after a looong ass break and it was hell. Strength level, depleted drastically. My own damn fault. The next day after, it was even worse. My whole body was in muscle recuperation stage and i was aching all over. Felt like being ran over by a semi. Can't even scratch my freaking back without spewing some expletives as well as the ouch, ouch, ouches. I'm too conscious am i? Vain even? Unlikely i tell you. It's more about me finishing what i started. Told you before that i'm done doing things half-assed. No more, bub. And so it begins, again. Even if it's square number 1 once more. Let's do this..

Forget-u-not..

2006-02-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

Man, this few days seemed like a soul drainer period for me.. Could even see it in my mum. Was lost in her own world ever since she got that call from her best friend's niece. Aunt Ju was slowly slipping away. Her grip on life was weakening as the fight was simply too much for her. She just can't do it anymore..

Mum knew about her ongoing bouts with cancer. She held on for about five years with this, having to go through 7 chemotherapies. Her visits to our place became less and less throughout then. Til she stop coming here altogether. One day mum received a called from the niece of Aunt Ju, Kak Ina. She told mum that Aunt Ju's losing the fight. It won't be long. Just a two days before her passing, we managed to visit her at Kak Ina's place. It certainly broke everyone's heart when we saw her. Not being able to get up on her own, she just lay there greeting us. I lost an uncle abt 2 years ago to cancer as well and it just took me back when i saw her there. Mum just lost it and could'nt hold back her tears, looking at her best friend. She was so frail and ghastly thin that i found myself unable to look her in the eyes for long. It was just too painful seeing my Aunt Ju like that. The tears soon made their way down my cheeks. We left there with heavy hearts and swollen eyes. In a couple of days, we received another call from Kak Ina. This time to inform us that her beloved Aunt had passed on. Mum told me about the news on the phone while i was in town. We went there the next morning to the funeral and to see her one last time.

Never she be far from our minds. Her soothing and calming voice that once sang me to sleep as a baby, from what Mum told me before, never change. Even til the last days..

Floatin on..

2006-01-24T00:25:00.000+08:00

Man... I keep bobbing up and down in this endless ocean.. Waves, unpredictable as ever. Think you got some control and then, whoosh.. bloop bloop bloop.. submerged. Life just plunges you in like how it knows best. Struggle all you want, the hand stays on the head which stays under water. Depend on no one else. Either you crack and fill up your lungs, or struggle just a bit more to rise up above..

This work is pulling me in deeper in the abyss of submission. Sometimes i find myself wondering, why? What am i so obstinatiously viva-la-resisting from? I guess uncharted territories are far more appealing than the path ostentatiously presented to us. Kept it all in so far. I know i ain't cut out for it from the 1st day, but still.. I need this. At least to keep minds from further unrest. Yes, other than my own.. needed the 'end-of-the-months' to pull me up for a miniscule gasp of the despondently diminishing fresh air.Ain't no way i'm giving in/settling in. Even if life throws it's version of Kurt Angle's ankle-lock on me. I ain't tapping out. Not just yet anyway.. Working around shady people, in a shady business, for shady hours, to earn a shady penny, will take a dig in your adimantium shell and most probably chip it. Time spent working there is construed in my mindstate and physical well-being. Found myself waking up in pain sometimes. If let be, my back will be the 1st to go. Others, close behind. Yup, it's gotten to that. Only the thought of a select few in my life kept the engine running.

Mal's assuring presence kept me going when i felt empty. Mum's silent worries somehow reached out to shift that gear up as well. Dad's frantic hope in ultimately passing the torch to nestle in the backseat. My bro's hidden fears on being appointed as the next torch-bearer. It's ok baby bro. I will shoulder it for now, so you ain't gotta do it yet. Just a couple more hurdles to get pass and the boat will be in the dock, shall we say. For those onboard, it's not that far ahead. Please abandon ship only when it's titanically sinking. Otherwise, hold on for just a sec.. look towards the horizon and don't forget to smile upon arrival. Then again, i'm sure you will..

Farkin lecher..

2006-01-08T14:27:00.000+08:00

Saw this 1 man in the toilet at this train station after work, while i was gonna change my clothes there. A middle-age looking guy, sporting gold chains and bracelets with short, neat hairdo that's slightly dyed rusty brown. Looked a bit ermm, on the softer side shall we say? He was taking a piss at the latrine as i entered one of the cubicles. All in all, it took me less than 15 minutes to change. As i came out of the cubicle, i saw him still there doing the same thing since i entered the toilet. Thought it was kinda odd but just moved on along. He apparently noticed me as well and started looking rather nervous. A few guys came in as i went to the sink to wash my hands. I like to keep my hands super uber clean so it took me some time to do so. And as i was at it, i happened to glance at the dude. What i saw made me shook my head.

He was discreetly looking at the privates of the 2 men who were also taking a piss, on the left and right side of him. It's not a glancing kind of look but rather a oogling, lecherous one. Dude is one seriously sick ass fuck. Those guys don't even notice what was going on then. Except for me and another guy who saw it too. Shaked his head like i did as well. By that time i was really riled up about this and decided to do something. Well actually i just stood there and gave him this one hell of a disgusted look on my face. He saw it. I made sure of that. Looked like a worm being dangled just slightly above a flame. Or something like that. Kept looking down as i stood there staring my eyeballs out at him. Lucky for him i ain't Cyclops from the X-men. Anyways, i decided to find the janitor and inform about the situation but can't find anyone there. It was pretty late as it is for me then and so i just left the place. I know he's gonna get what's coming to him soon.

You never really know what kind of things people get off on. And when you do, you either shake your head, verbalise it or take action of any kind. Or just don't do nothing at all. People.. How much do we know about those around us, or even ourselves? Comes down to this 1 paradoxical question in which, would you rather find truth in acceptance or acceptance in truth?

The Wade Wilson complex

2006-01-06T03:17:00.000+08:00

Seriously man.. life would be just a tad different if i did not relent and open up the damn gates. All because of indecisiveness. I mean what should i do with the money from the spoils of our previous house sale. Blah.. let's spend them on whatever comes to mind. Mind? What mind? Money makes Man mindless. Average Man. Ok just Man. Sheesh..

It's all downhill from there, man. Mess i could never fathom or get out of. Still do, at times. To think that i could read people well enough to know their intentions or thoughts. Yet it happened. Ok so that shit was quadruple plus a couple and add another ermm, 2 more years back. Verde was the name of the product as well as the company. Dunno if they're still around. If they do, i like to meet every single one of the people there. For a chat... Especially the one that zeroed in on the dumb, gullible, naive, not-so-lil 'OKB' then. Vultures come in all shapes, sizes, species, colours or creeds. A shining example that prick was, come to think of it. Thanks for making me feel like Mankind's excrescence. Still, i shall carry it solely on my shoulders. My own fault. But fuck you anyways..

All i just wanted was to clear those occasional adolescence break-outs. With some moolah to despatch, my option on the facial products was on a rather wide scale. A lil too wide for my own damn good. Along came this prick from Verde, one afternoon. Soon as the door opened, he saw a perfectly, delectable opportunity of a meal-ticket(fingers pointing at this writer). With incisors sizing up a fat ass chunk of the meat, he unleashed whatever tricks picked up from the trade. Got me to let him in and even to the point of making his way into the master bedroom to see whatever products we had. To cut it short, doode managed to oust more than 300 bucks out of me with the concern he supposedly had to see that this face 'be as smooth as his'. Painstakingly instructed me with the details of the facial applications which i followed for 3 weeks. There will always be a slight burning sensation on my face after each application and though after consulted, the guy told me it was normal. Even when it started to hurt. Even when it started to reddened. Even when it started to swollen. .......even when my damn face started to crack! He came by once after the damage was at the pinnacle. Did'nt even wanna come in this time to try to push more products in these hands while he pry whatever change i got left in my fist. A fist that was meant to forcefully connect to a certain someone's face. He never returned like he said he would every month to check up on my so-called progress..

My world was bleak there on then. Momentarily forgotten how the skies look as the head was facing downwards whereever, whatever and whenever. It was subsequently getting worse and nothing helped, much. At wits end with confidence no where in existence what so ever. The bleedings, the pus, the stares, the paranoias, the pain, the masked 'concerns', the stark questions, the blatant disregard of feelings... Woe is me is woe.. The eventual plunge to the dark realms of depression. Can't even see the hands in front of me. The lone journey there did'nt take long. Getting out might take awhile as the exit signs are invisible.. I begged. Prayed. Cried. Questions after another. Then, nothing. So, fine. With a reckless resolution. A monster shall be like one. Aced the look. Then the build. Yeah it kinda slipped into disillusion. Tried reaching out but nobody, nothing, no where. Like trying to scream inside a vacuum. That boy never did return from the abyss. Somethin else did. Let the carnage begin..

A dream..

2006-01-03T03:20:00.000+08:00

Had this one weird, trippy dream. It was just a few days before the new year. In it, i was in a passage or some place, following this 1 big, tall person from behind. Could't see his face but he was wearin this white robe and sort of a turban on his head. Dunno why i was following him but i felt like i knew him. Remembered that there was this strange comforting presence with him. We came to this 1 room and it was all white. Bright white. I asked him where we were and why he brought me there. The man turned around and said nothing. Can't really remember his face but i think he had a beard. He looked at me hard and in silence. Could feel that he was not too happy about something. Anger kind of resonated in his eyes. After a long silence, i asked him again the same questions and why did'nt he speak to me. Then, right after i finished asking the questions, he took a step closer and proceeded to slap me hard. It shook the ish out of me and got me off my feet. I struggled to get back up and when i finally did, he came closer and send me to the floor again with a harder backhand. I was in lots of pain as well as in a daze. This time i was just laying on the ground holding my cheek. Tears were welling up fast and flowing readily. Asked him what did i do for him to struck me like that. This time he spoke. Voice was loud and booming. Scary booming. Said something about why did'nt i do what i have to do in the 1st place. That i have an obligation and suppose to fulfill it. At that time, i recalled that i was hugely overwhelmed with remorse. Cried so hard til i could'nt breathe properly. It became hazy soon after.

Woke up all shaken. The tears soon let themselves out and this time they were real. What was i suppose to do? Be a better person? A better servant? What is it?

Old man..

2005-12-17T01:52:00.000+08:00

The streets feel colder nowadays,
careful where you step nowadays,
your strength disagrees stronger nowadays,
will they hold out their hands for you nowadays?

Guard your will hard you must,
grip your faith lesser if you must,
insist your pride to stand when you must,
carry your dignity til the end as you must..

Eyes wanting to see much less it seems,
even as you're awake to sleepless nights it seems,
holding on to dreams that's not really what it seems,
as vacant is your world around much as it seems,

The blood streamed ever eagerly out of this old man,
yet the smiles still in arms by this old man,
struggling to rise up back on his feet this old man,
walked away into obscurity as how he wanted to, this old man..

Love to hate, & right back at you..

2005-12-16T04:58:00.000+08:00

It is useless. No matter what you try to do or how good are you at it, it's unavoidable. Leave it by the door on your way out. Hope. Don't have to be nobody else but you. Still, is it always the case? Will being your fine self bring home the bacon, as they say?

Learnt a vital lesson when i was young. Or at least, younger. That there are always people out there who feel like they were placed in this beautiful world just to hate you and your guts. Why? Only they know. And of course, the Almighty. Bill Gates will still be hated by someone even if he managed to find a cure for Aids through generous amounts of funding. Even if he gave out all his riches for the welfare of the third world countries. Nobody. Escapes. Hate. Hate upon themselves or onto others. We're born to love. And also otherwise..

I have to the best of my knowledge, never intended for any embodied souls to nurture any seeds of hatred towards me. Why would i wanna go around and plant them within the hearts of these people? If anything, i wanna connect with any and every one of them. There are those who don't even know me and still exudes hatred like a mighty all knowing, supremely self-indulging and self-righteous ass bigot. What. The. Fuck. I'm pretty much conscious about how i behave and potray myself to the others around me. And being as old as i am at this point, i think i'm able to detact any contemptuous vibes that are directed my way. Is it the looks? The voice? The demeanour? For what ever reason it may be, just go ahead and be that way then. I will still be as level, diplomatic, humane, tactful, sensitive, social and understanding as i possibly could around all of them. There's a limit to everything though. And the right combinations of the buttons pressed will result in Hell for all you fake, superficial, egomanic, snake-in-the-grassic, 2 to 3 faced, blood gorging leeches. Not to sound like a threat, rather a fact that you better be straight around me the next time, or things will be straighten. One way or another. It will do some good for your crooked ass i figure. We'll see, won't we?..

Some crazy quiz result..

2005-11-28T16:04:00.000+08:00

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership,
of getting along with people, of getting things
done.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
US general & Republican politician (1890 - 1969

You're really funny, weird, random & AWESOME! So am
I! GO YOU!

What quote fits you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lebaran Blues..

2005-11-21T03:09:00.000+08:00

I know it's a bit late for this, but it's still in the festive month.. That's right. Ain't no different from any others that went past before.. same ol' same ol' as they say. Frankly speaking, each time it comes, i'll be feeling less and less enthusiastic about it all. Hearing the songs on radio or the googbox ain't really helping either. In fact, they sort of make it a lot harder to get through those times. Is it just me, or are there anyone else feeling this shit? I might end up not going out to celebrate on the first day at all if this keeps up.

In the 20's and yet i feel like i had more than enough. Wonder how do the old & the not so old-timers everywhere put up with it. Each year i had to suck it all in for the sake of the people around me and go through the motions. Each time having to endure with this heaviness in my gut and the numbness.. I just can't feel anything. Everything.. This is bad. Losing the spirit. Maybe even lost it.. It is not suppose to be this way right? Suppose to be celebrating and be at your happiest with the loved ones, but why can't i just do that? Circumstances of the moment perhaps? Maybe. These times are now main-stays at the pinnacle of my lowest. When the head finds it so hard to ever look up in the sky.. When the smiles are as empty as the deepest and darkest of space. When the heart feels like it is so pointless to continue beating. When the soul just begs to return to where it was taken from and be free. I can't keep this up, can i? Not when there are still those who insist on my on-going existence. Ain't really in my nature, but the smiles shall etch on, despite the omnipresent even-if's..

I will still put on the traditional clothings and beg for forgiveness on the 1st mornings of Aidilfitri like a good son to his parents. My wish is that they know i meant it as well. For all the angers, disappointments and griefs that i caused them and everyone else that i loved. I'm sorry.. They probably won't ever read this and no one else would care to understand. Heck, i don't even get myself most of the times. Still, it's all about the festivities..

Cold as life..

2005-11-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

There are times when i just wanna disappear. Totally drop off the face of the planet. Maybe i'll do just that, one of these days. Probably makes it easier for some people to breathe. Since my whole being just screams out disconnectivity. Like how it is with the world continuing to rapidly revolve while here lies this soul in suspended animation.

She tries hard to thaw out all the ice away. To wake me from this dark, silent, unbearable slumber. Please take my hand and guide me out of this predicament. Release this coldness that i've let stay for far too long. Kiss my closed eyes for they will open from the warmth of your lips. Whisper in my ears the words that will break the frozen locks in my heart. If she won't then i believe no one else would, or could. As i stumble my way to reach out, there was she. Through all things unpretty, she saw something in here.. I thought it was a mirage but she was adamant. Found it supremely hard to accept the words but deep down there was that slight tinge of joy. Even if there's just a speck of truth to it. Fuck it, i believe. I thank her for seeing it. For seeing me. Tears and all. There is a crystal ball in my mind. And in it, i see something as well. A quiet horizon and a silhoutte of two souls, hand in hand. Battered, bloodied, bruised, broken, but still, beautiful. Yes i know, but fuck it. Its my crystal ball.

There's a lot of rubbles to clear off and i ain't complaining. They will be cleared. One way or another. There are also lessons to be constantly learnt and i ain't ditching. Mistakes were made, regretted but ultimately realised and never to be repeated. Hopefully. Not gonna put it squarely on humanity but then that's who i am, or part of. I know that we are weak in more ways than we can imagine and in that, only then we can get stronger. If and when we choose to. I chose. No matter how long or how gruelling the journey is, i have to stick to it. I have to. The air is thin upstairs, so i guess i have to come back down til i have strong enough lungs to leave altogether. Should someone wanna join me in that perilous quest to reach the end of the rainbow, please take this weathered but hopeful hand and march onwards. God willing, onwards to forever..

It is what it was, is and always will be..

2005-10-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

Should it be what it is not,
then it will never be,
should it be what it is feared to be,
then it must be faced to lay rest,
should it keep coming from yesterdays,
then it will be learnt from and leave behind,
should it be what it could hopefully be,
then it will be by all means,
should it take the sweetest of time,
then it is all the more that we get there to taste it,
should it be always and never,
then by the Graces of Him, it is..

You don't have to feel like you're alone in the darkness when it looms. Been in it long enough to be a permanent resident. I know i just be repeating these words over and over again but still, i will keep saying them to you. Life has a habit of throwing salt to the wounds and i will be there to wipe them away from yours. If i can't then i will share them with you. Wounds and all. And you know these are not just words as seen on the screen. They come with what you see in my eyes as i look in yours. They come with the hands that wipe the tears away from your eyes. The smiles that they put on your sweet face. The constant kisses for that cute, perfect button nose and everywhere else. Don't have to let the thoughts of how anyone could or would love you swim around 'cause this one just do. Yes, he is that crazy. But he is also that much in love. Crazy in love. Heh.. Gonna go through all the works, whether anyone likes it or not. Anyone. Still broken but no longer lost. Not with this shining light that found me as i was about to step over the edge. Let's build on each other, with each other and for each other. I am with you through no matter any weather. And so shall we go to where we wanna go, baby. Anywhere...

Found it, lost it, & now gettin it back for good..

2005-10-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

Ola.. And seriously, folks.. been on the E with things to input here lately.. Not really out to so-call wow you readers with anything i put out but still, i felt that if there's nothing good for me to dish out, then well, sorry..

Anyway, this little post here is about how things are for me, the month of Ramadan and my shakened will of training at the gym. Yeah i know, go ahead, shake your heads now. Heh.. Still, it is quite a heck of a hassle. I know it blasphemous to even think about it, but my training is taking a serious toll during this holy month. Everything is turned upside, downside, inside and out. Keep telling myself that this is a test, as always. To see if we could survive and overcome it all. So why the phrok am i complaining here in the 1st place then? Heh.. I dunno man.. Maybe it's all that waking up to finally realise you need fresh, new, SMALLER-sized pair of jeans, even though it's really a pain. Still, it's a lovely, puts-a-smile-on-your-face-after-all-these-years kinda pain. And also maybe 'cause of getting to look more and more like the pictures i have to push me harder to achieve that much wanted physique. Once again, go ahead and shake the heads all you want. Heh.. Pardon me but don't really care here.. All i know is that i set out to do this, to change myself. No more half-asses determinations. Had enough of those. Now i know all this sound like a lot of things to different people but it's not about justifying but understanding why i said all the things that were said. Been teased about my weight all the time growing up, health issues, depressions and all other stuffs. Things have to change.. but change relies on endurance, perseverence, patience, serious will-power, blood, sweat, tears, swellings, muscle aches, sores, money, support of those who care, time, whey proteins, supplement pills, nitro oxide, creatine, sacrifices and whole lot more in between or after.. been on the track on more times than i could remember. And after each of those times or in the midst, things wil surely pop up like pop-ups and detract all the efforts away as they get flushed down in the shit-hole of my life. Boy, i like to complain, don't i? Still, all that gets to me everytime. Especially when i felt that the fruits were almost ready to be plucked and wholesomely relished. Got to me really bad.. So now, after months of slogging away at the gym, i found myself down that very familiar and much dreaded road yet again. Can't do it. Won't see myself going that route again, man. No way. The thing is, how or where do i find that strength to break this ever vicious cycle for good? I have to. Might have something in the horizon if i manage to do so. Otherwise it turns round and round faithfully, like an immortal clock til the last chapter of my book. Don't want that. For Them, for Her, for the little bit of peace in mind from knowing that i did what i set out to do. For victory.. And also for Aaliyah and Zulaika.. yeah baby, for them..

Skinned Deep...

2005-10-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

This whole world seems to revolve around it, in my jaded eyes. How do you behold it in your eyes? Do you see what comes with it? Under it? Or just let your perfect 20-20 vision carry your perception of the sighted subject on just the surface level? Just let it soothe and coat your eyes with all the sweetness this world has to offer. It has been that way all this while, ain't it? Ugliness, or the ugly has no place in this world. They can never coincide with each other. To be scarred or to be deformed means to be looked at with extra carefulness, subconscious resentment, pity, concealed hatred or just downright disgust. Ugly is like an unofficial sub-species. Third-world country of humankind. Surface is just too convenient for most. What's inside is rather too deep and time-wasting for them to appreciate or settle for. Heh.. Superficial is super official... Life.. Swell and well then. What is it to you, if i may ask?

Beauty, brings 2 sides to a picture,
a covalent compound, 2 or more substances in a mixture,
still it don't reflect the soul in a mental scripture,
making us a blind believer, or fictional achiever,
because we symbolise, what's perceived by the eyes,
a natural human respond to catergorise,
only the center retina could visualise, the lies,
as the fraction of the grand deception, sparks the passion,
used as a formidable weapon, or a tool for protection,
an eternal victim of lustful attraction,
deriving all sense and sensibilities,
and be enslaved by the whip of insecurities,
forever bound by the thought of which is worse,
as first, those who are blessed with this curse?
or those who cursed at the ones who are blessed,
as they rise and simultaneously fall beneath the rest..

Turbulations of an idealistic go-getter..

2005-10-15T15:02:00.000+08:00

Finally.. Another real update.. Track of time lost somewhere between bliss street and gloomy lane.. Shit was all good and bad almost perfectly in-sync with each other. What balance. Can't really have just the great and awesome part without the drabs and craps tagging along close behind, can we? Like the ugly, annoying, whiny, and messed up little brat that's always tugging the clothes of the beautiful and gracious older if not twin sibling. What the hell am i blabbering about again? Sorry, did i lost you? No? Cool then, though i think i'm lost myself..

With Mal, my valkyrie by my side, i should be stronger. I have to be. The old cracks still persist to be there and now new ones are breaking out like pimples on an unattended oily-skinned face. Shit, i need more time.. I know it won't stop or slow down for just a mere mortal, but it's not as if there are no plans formulated in here. Just the execution part that needs a hell of a boost. Ain't saying that i don't have what it takes.. Or don't i? No, wait.. I do.. Just like building a machine or sorts, you have to go through all the circuits in order for it to work. Even so, all the failures that come before also play a vital role in that eventual success. And there might just be friggin loads of them! Still, ain't something for us to just resign to. The failures. Acknowledge, but never yield. Whatever shit that don't kills you, makes you stronger, right? Might stink more but at least you come out of the smoke with that crooked but triumphant smirk on your mug. I just know it. Life has a way of letting you get your highs, even after numerous beatdowns on your ass. That's almost infallible. And after numerous recent beatdowns on my tush, i'm almost demanding for mine. Took it in. All of them. Blood, tears and all. Now i need to get my fix. Yeah, i'm a junkie like that. For happier times. And not just me, but those with me as well. Those who carry my love as i do for their's. We will get there, folks. I love you all too much for me not to. Keep on smiling and spawn the laughters for now, Insya'Allah, i will join you in a bit. Promise. God bless.

The Gift(seether)

2005-10-13T01:53:00.000+08:00

Hold me now I need to feel relief,

Like I never wanted anything,

I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason

I'll hold on to,

I'm so ashamed of defeat,

And I'm out of reason to believe in me,

I'm out of trying to get by,

I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,

I don't belong here and I'm not well,

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,

Right on the wrong side of it all,

I can't face myself when I wake up,

And look inside a mirror,

I'm so ashamed of that thing,

I suppose I'll let it go,

Until I have something more to say for me,

I'm so afraid of defeat,

And I'm out of reason to believe in me,

I'm out of trying to defy,

I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,

I don't belong here and I'm not well,

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,

Right on the wrong side of it all,

Hold me now I need to feel complete,

Like I matter to the one I need,

I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,

I don't belong here and I'm not well,

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,

Right on the wrong side of it all,

Now I'm ashamed of this,

I am so ashamed of this,

Now I'm so ashamed of this,

I am so ashamed of me...

Letter to sum1...

2005-10-03T15:03:00.000+08:00

This is how shall i put it, from me to you,
as it is in the hands of fate and there's nothing we could do,
heavy it is for my heart to see another in pain,
as the tears flow from your eyes mixing soon after with the rain,
i felt it, yes indeed i do, though probably lesser than you,
and hurt you is definitely not what i intended or planned to,
how it burnt you, and what the happiness had overturned to,
still there is something i want for you to understand,
i did not force her to hold another hand,
or sacrilegiously told her to let go the previous,
so there were no schemes or anything remotely devious,
only the purest of intentions from me to love her,
my promise to you that i will never, ever hurt her,
please believe this, as it is truth painfully told,
that the love was nurtured innocently and never stoled,
i can't stop you from surrounding me with a world of hatred,
i will not return you them even if that's what this world had favoured,
just want you to be strong now my brother, and release the weight,
time will heal your wounds beautifully no matter how late,
you will get there eventually somehow or someway,
and the smiles will be etched on your face again someday,
for now please, with the graces of Him, let her free from the binds,
so she could breathe life that she yearns with more peace on her mind,
let me take her there now, to where her rainbow lies,
drying up the tears along the way as we fill the hollow skies,
with the hopes, the dreams, and the wishes we so wanted to materialise,
and i told her we will, while i erased those tracks that formed from her eyes,
let us get there with your clear and open heart, my brother...
at least for her...

Beauty

2005-09-26T03:33:00.000+08:00

Went through some old stuff somewhere in my room. Had piles of papers, loose notes, lyrics, poetry, sketches and such. Came across a little simple yet meaningful(to me at least) ish i wrote way back then. Just have to put it up here. Yeah, i don't care now, do i? What, what!! See if it sticks..

In a colourful world,
everything seemed black and white,
In a straight up world,
we keep swerving left and right,
In a sleepless world,
we're unconscious day and night,
In a beautiful world,
we're ugly whether in darkness or light...

MZ

30 senses to a dollar..

2005-09-24T20:11:00.000+08:00

Just something a friend sent me. Some self-enrichment or wealth enhancement stuff. Thought i post it here to share and also for... whatever.. heh.. See if it fits..

1-Think it, ink it, do it, review it.

2-Choose the level you wanna play at.

3-What you see is always what you get.

4-Ask and you shall receive.

5-Learning is a game.

6-Invest more of your time. Spend less of it.

7-Invest more of your money. Spend less of it.

8-Your Well is in your words.

9-Wealth is d beginning, not the end.

10-Sow. Nurture. Reap.

11-Your passion is your compass.

12-To know and not to do, is not yet to know.

13-Value is the river in which the wealth flows.

14-Become an inspired Work-in-progress.

15-Plan to fail.

16-See the wood from the trees.

17-Opportunities lie in every moment.

18-The key to leverage is how you use it.

19-Sustainable wealth follows a rhythm.

20-Time is your most precious asset.

21-Harmony is the foundation of wealth.

22-Time has seasons.

23-It's not just what you do, it's when you do it.

24- When you resonate, you accumulate.

25-You settle for your standards.

26-A five star life is better than two star life.(hmmm...)

27-Your environment is your playground.

28-Water always find it's level.

29-You are the result of your choices.

30-Direction + Discipline= Decisiveness.

Ok so i got nothing else at the moment.. ish..

Do you really listen? Here?

2005-09-21T22:32:00.000+08:00

It beckons. Always does. Never fails. Slowly but surely. Or fast and furious. When it comes, some welcome it with the most bated of breaths. Yet some with a look of nonchalance in that last glorious step. How would you receive it? How would i? Might be with a reckless shrug of the shoulders, or even bloody tears in buckets. Could anyone see a second or two after, before? Drop a tag or comment if you could. I'll love you, more than misery. Just curious of when IT actually pulls my number. More like how. Ok, so second to when. Still, way light-years ahead of why. Could care lesser than never.

So, will you bring it to me then? Or maybe a hardworking underling? Should realise that it loves sucker-punches with sickened passion. If anticipated, pulls away just enough only to reappear in their faces without them having enough time to bat the eyelids. Please, i need to make sense of it all first. At least break off these chains. And that one chain. I love that chain no matter how rusted it got and keeps getting. What will i do if it breaks? Feels like anytime soon now. And when it does, will i be able to roam free? Go anywhere, do anything? Afraid not, because the chains will always remain in here. So go ahead, put me on your speed-dial then. Fuck it.. I'll be there in a minute. Or two..

My center..

2005-09-21T16:20:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile, eh fellas? My bad. Been rather busy. And distracted as well. Blissfully distracted. Then, things got kind of shitty. Me mum's in the hospital recently and as much as i don't wanna say anything about it here, i figure.. i dunno.. Mood's been on the up and up recently and i guess the scales have to be balanced somehow. Her heart is getting weaker and could'nt keep up with her everyday life. Hell of a strong woman. Still is. The center pole that holds up the tent of a circus i like to call family. Love her to no ends. She claimed to get better but i still feel really heavy about it all. The barrier keeps on building between my bro and me. Seems like no matter what i try to do to strengthten the bond, it still manage to widen up the space. That is a constant source of worry for her. Even at the hospital, i saw that look in her face when we came to visit, neverminding the fact that my bro and me could somehow travel somewhere together. That WAS quite an achievement. I'll keep on doing my best to lessen all these things in her mind, as they are far too many already. Dad floated around every once and awhile. Only when it really and absolutely matters. But we'll get by. We have to. For her. Family is still by all means a family no matter how dark and huge the space is inside. Love her to no ends..

Always and never

2005-09-07T04:05:00.000+08:00

Thank you baby.. for being there.. for distracting me.. for the never-ending smiles.. for the laughs.. for the hugs.. for the kisses.. for the suprises you bring.. for marv.. for the jeans.. for the princess.. especially that.. heh.. and most importantly for being you enough to love me..

^o#$u@#r ^%m$o&^m%#e^)n#%t

2005-09-01T21:39:00.000+08:00

To whom it may concern.. Time did indeed stop.. at least for awhile.. wonder if it will again.. at least i wish it would..

Bag o'brownies

2005-08-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

Hey there.. See now i know most if not all my posts been about rainy days and gloomier weathers. So here's something rather different then. Been wanting to share this incident with everyone even though i know it's kind of bad of me to do so. Still, if we all could spread a lil love from time to time, how about throwing a lil mischievious fun in the mix as well?

Alright then, the incident i wanna share with you guys actually happened to my mum's colleague(She's a cook). Every year at her workplace there's a medical screening\check-up, conducted in some posh clinic somewhere due to company policy.(There's a clinic near-by that they could just go to but no, they have to go all the way up-town, in the business district) So anyway, my mum had already went for hers and so do the rest, except for this 1 person. She's this 1 indian lady who started working about half a year after my mum. Even though she just started then, she had already developed quite a reputation for being the wicked witch of the workplace. Most of the people who came to eat there would have dark clouds following them whenever she's around. It's because she would yell and scream at anybody she sees fit, no matter who they are or what they do. Just a little mistake or even a question could trigger a fire and brimstone episode from her. Quite a Harry Potter denizen she could be. Pointy hats, flying broomsticks and all. Only my mum could hold her own twos with this lady, as she has a dragon in her throat as well. Believe me, i know.

So this 1 particular event happened on the day this lady was supposed to attend her medical screening. During the screening, they have to go for a few sample checks like blood, saliva, x-ray, urine and finally stool. Yes, not for the sitting kind.. You will be asked to 'go' in the toilet there and then collect bits of it for the sample check. Yeeesh.. So when it comes to the Indian lady, she just did'nt feel comfortable enough to 'do' it there. Decided to bring 'it' or 'them', fresh, straight from home. While she was walking, with her 'belongings' in her handbag(disposable i guess) to the train station near her house, some guy came from behind her and snatch it away. She tried to hold on to the bag but dude managed to wrangle it off her desperate hands and scooted away. Away with the bag. The bag with the 'goodie' or 'goodies'. There were quite a few people around but being the good citizens that they are, just stood there while she screamed for help and watched the hoohah happening before them instead. 1 of them had even told off the poor lady for not giving chase. Sympathetic indeed. She did'nt manage to produce another sample or samples but instead went to report the matter to the authorities.

By right, this is a bad thing that happened to someone we need to empathise with, as she had been a victim of a crime and all. But by left, i would pay a serious amount of cash just to see that expression on the guy's face as he open the bag he triumphantly 'acquired' and come across that one or a few things that should'nt by nature or every other's law, be in there. She only told her boss about the incident but due to irresistability, every1 else got wind of it. I guess now the whole universe. Poor lady. Evil me. Lucky you. Should know that this is coming but what else can i say other than, shit happens. Only this time its in a bag...

Sweet sadness of the unoccupied

2005-08-26T02:43:00.000+08:00

Dissolved in time while chaos blends in the wind,

truth found in absolute nothingness,

only warmth in the silence of the mind,

warmth, like the view from the kitchen window,
sunshine & breeze are the best partners,

empty roads & swaying trees, close behind,

a silent jubilation, be it blithering singularity,

pain of the unobtained left it so,

cream, sugars, even blood are tasteless nowadays,

also, stickers peel off as their colours fade,

little red rivers running through them now,

the brightness hurts,

still, one last look(hold on),

and one last ponder,

only thing that is in order is mess,

only thing that is pure is the word itself,

only thing that is in love is hate,

only thing that is alive is now....

Overdued end..

2005-08-23T16:10:00.000+08:00

I am pissed off, world.. If i get anymore pissed, i might just turn green permanently and no amount of boxers, briefs or tighty whiteys can ever fit me. Looks like i'm about to lose a friendship. Now before all those ideas start evolving in your cerebrals, like Shaggy's song said, it was'nt me. At least i know it was'nt.. Was it?.. No. 1st of all, i have been the most patient friend ever to this person that i cut ties with. Anymore patient, and i will become a patient in a certain hospital somewhere, talking and laughing by myself with strait-jackets and all. Patience is a virtue, but too much will freakin hurt you. That so-called friendship was 11 years old. Pity huh? Some part of me would like to agree and another wanna kill off that other part for wanting to agree. So why all this anguish, bitter resentment at the poor old sap? Well for 1, he IS poor in kindness to other people that don't matter to him, he's slightly older than me but believes that he's 10 years younger(he's 27) and the arse of a man can really sap out the goodwill of those who could give a hoot about him. Shit, is this considered as gossiping? Ahhh, like i could spare a damn. Anyway, i'm pissed remember? So that should be ok, i think..

Years of friendship with the dude really takes the toll on my head. If i did'nt end that, then in a couple of years, this head will turn into an actual friggin foot-rest! So that grand final straw was when the dude used my extra handphone sim-card and could'nt eventually pay his share of the bill which has amounted to a lot. Still i tried to put up with this here because i knew of his then financial situation. Really had to struggle to simmer down when i thought about it. This was because i found out that secretly, he had been buying all sorts of stuff like an mp3 player, another handphone, ps2 games and more! All these while he claimed to be broke most of the time due to the house and utility bills, family and all his other could-be-avoided debts. Still when confronted with all these, he managed to find some 'virtuous' reasons as to justify them. Even had the slap-tempting cheeks to try and be mad at me for not understanding his situation. What friggin situation?! Oh, is it the tell me that he's broke 24-7, 365 but still manage to get himself leisure things like say, a ps2, mp3, new handphones every month and God knows what situation? Yeah. I understood. Even more when he drove that nail in further for saying that he thought i was his friend. So all those while, i was'nt being a friend for being there sacrificially looking gay'ish while he cried on my shoulders in freakin public after a bad break up, numerous amounts of yet to be settled loans, almost break my back while almost single-handedly helped him moved into a new house twice, helped painted his whole new house, watched his back from getting pummeled by his disgrunteled ex-colleagues and so on? If you insist then. Even mentioned to end the friendship a few times before during petty arguments.. If you should ever stumble upon this words my once good friend, know that even though it had turned out this way, my memories will not let all those happy moments fade. Still, the not-so's are the ones that started the cracks. Can't let you keep calling this a friendship when its actually an excuse to provide every ounce of convenience for your everyday life each and everytime. I may not be there for you always in the past and more so now, bro, but to me Izzy will always be my godson. Was there when he arrived to this tattered world, will be there for him til i leave it..

Somebody tryin to tell me somethin?!

2005-08-22T00:51:00.000+08:00

Usually dreams will just whither away from memories. Even the significant ones. From what i heard dreams are just our sub-conscious way of dealing with issues in our lives. Most of which are just random, incoherent visuals like pieces of jig-saw puzzles being assembled together, forcefully. Some of the visuals actually are part of our memories and the more important sequences tend to be replayed in our dreams often. So why all these long-winded jibber jabbers then, you might ask?

Had this one dream recently and it manage to shook me up badly. As most dreams tend to be so realistic, this one was no different, if not the most realistic one to date. It was about the end of everything. End of the world. Now i know that we're not suppose to take dreams seriously, right? So how about having 3 of this dreams then? 3 different scenarios but all the same outcome. I remembered all of them well and one was a few years back. I watched War of the worlds recently and was freaked the jebizzles out by some of the similarities of the destructions. In that dream i had years back, i was walking around admist all the rubbles and chaos taking place. Besides that, most of everything around me were in red. Don't know why but thats what i remembered. Then when i was watching the movie, in the scene where Tom Cruise came out of the farmhouse to look for his daughter, i was just brought back to my dream. He saw that everything around him, all the way up to the horizon, was covered in red!

In another dream, i was running around lookin for my family when i encountered a family friend. I asked him if he saw them and he said that he did. He then sombrely told me to 'collect' them. So imagine running around aimlessly through all the destruction, with your ears almost bleeding from the screamings, and then having to hear from someone that you are alone in the soon-to-be-totally-desimated world. And in another, the latest one, i was in the house trying to stay on my feet from all the tremors taking place. Looked out the window and saw like a massive collective of tornadoes! There were even super huge ones that seemed to suck in everything near them, even the smaller tornadoes! All the buildings around mine started falling in the madness of it all. After that every one of my family was taken away by the strong winds in front of my eyes. The pain was felt for freaking real..

What was it all about then? Is my head in need of a good tune-up or is there something else? Some disturbing else..

The iron wills n golden circles..

2005-08-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

Blood, sweat, tears n... barf. Yeah that's rite. Not a pretty sight when all 4 of them came from some1 in a family oriented gym. Not when u are there to just reinstill that feeble sense of manhood week in and week out, or tell urself u can still lift a few plates more, squeeze in a couple more reps, run that extra mile on the treadmill and all the while, playing 'the eye of the tiger' in that dome.. No.. that's not ur average, friendly, family oriented gym user..

Been there, day in and day out... 6 months in the running.. Seen determined souls sweating their ass off in the pursuit of that 'perfect' physique. Seen those same determined souls determined not to appear there again.. Not really but just slowly and surely vanishing altogether. I try not to be 1 of them, again. So far, so good. Can't really remember when i was ever in a fit and healthy condition. Oh yeah, that was non-existent. Also tired of hearing the same voices every year, commenting about the weight i put on. Even when some of them are 'bigger' than me. F''' that, fatter than me. Yes, that's a 4-letter word. Fat.

Each time i'm there, there will always be a certain group of guys that's just a tad different from the rest. Not just because of their already impressive physique, but the air around them.. I've been there long enough to see that these dudes had built an obvious reputation in that family oriented gym. Eyes will always follow with awe, every work-outs, every sets and every reps. Now these are to me, regulars folks with the same passion as the next jack and joes in there. But what set them apart is that not so regular dedication. I mean you can just see it in their faces. Even had a tag for them. The Elites. Every1 thought they're a bunch of muscle-headed stuck ups. Was 1 of them til now. Kind of realised that it was'nt about being a notch above the rest, but the focus in them that shuts everything else out and just press on to add on. In there. Less talk. More focus. Higher intensity. Significant results. Downside? Lesser or nil friends. Who cares. Not really a singles bar ain't it?

6 months and counting. Can't wait to hear what the voices will say soon.
Voices: Hey man, you put on more... muscles??...
Me: Yeah.. U?

Macabre Aims

2005-08-18T04:53:00.000+08:00

A dream indeed.. twin glocks blastin away the nite's treachery..the god of war could'nt handle such blasphemy..forgotten is the plight of my sanity.. as the burgundy river carries the souls of my enemies..

1st Flight..

2005-08-18T04:12:00.000+08:00

My very 1st rambling on the net.. heh... nice.... i think..... here i am all wide, googly-eyed abt wat i'm gonna write, then suddenly, poof... blank, like the account in my bank.. its like 'E' in the thought tank.. all i can say or write now is dat der'll be more comin soon.. this is after all the 1st flight from the cocoon.. y the heck am i rhymin anyway?

The TotSpot

Button-pushers and the likes..

Broken Down Clown..

Major steerressss kickin in..

Sometimes..(edited)

In due time..

Damn.. It finally happened..

What was that all about?

Faith Of The Heart (Rod Stewart)

Over the age..

Here it is genie... whereever u are..

Normally, it ain't my thang..

A world we live in..

Clockin in somethin..

Firasat (Marcell)

Deep cut..

Phew..

This, is nuts..

Thank Goodness for Self Control

Good times, good fight and sweet dreams..

Man this sucks loike totally...

Gettin It 2gether... again..

Leaving Neverland..

It's all comin back..

Gettin back on track..

Forget-u-not..

Floatin on..

Farkin lecher..

The Wade Wilson complex

A dream..

Old man..

Love to hate, & right back at you..

Some crazy quiz result..

Lebaran Blues..

Cold as life..

It is what it was, is and always will be..

Found it, lost it, & now gettin it back for good..

Skinned Deep...

Turbulations of an idealistic go-getter..

The Gift(seether)

Letter to sum1...

Beauty

30 senses to a dollar..

Do you really listen? Here?

My center..

Always and never

*^o#$u@#r ^%m*$o&^m%#e^)n#%t

Bag o'brownies

Sweet sadness of the unoccupied

Overdued end..

Somebody tryin to tell me somethin?!

The iron wills n golden circles..

Macabre Aims

1st Flight..

^o#$u@#r ^%m$o&^m%#e^)n#%t